It is true, there is nothing worse for an abuse victim then to be maligned, disbelieved, or ridiculed when they finally have the courage to speak up about the abuse. Professionals may even give assessments supporting the abuse allegations, but for some reason friends and family members are either in denial or choose to put the blinders on. Usually these issues do not get resolved until so much evidence has surfaced against the abuser that there is no doubt the person claiming the abuse was telling the truth. This most often occurs years after the initial claims of abuse have been made and by this time the abuse victim has had severe consequences to their emotional well-being.
So what do you do now if you were one of the people who decided to defend the abuser and find yourself remorseful?
1. Humbly write the family member/friend and ask for forgiveness.
2. Acknowledge your error in the situation and do not try to justify why you did what you did, even if you think your actions were somehow valid. Take full responsibility.
3. Let them know that you are there for them and will do whatever it takes to repair the relationship.
4. Tell them you understand if they do not want to reestablish a relationship and you will not hold that against them.
5. Express your remorse for what they have been through and try to put yourself in their shoes in dealing with the situation. Say things like: "I imagine this was deeply painful for you," "I cannot fathom how it felt not to be believed," and "I am sorry for your pain."
Understand that even though you take the time to do this, the abuse victim may never respond. Remember, they view you as the person who abandoned them in the most crucial time of their life. Think through your words very carefully and try to imagine how the abuse victim could take something you say incorrectly. Abuse victims are very sensitive to further abusive language, and they still see you as the person who stood against them. If they don't respond, they are not playing the victim or trying to manipulate you. They are most likely still dealing with the pain of the betrayal and probably question whether or not they can truly trust you. Ultimately, they don't want to get hurt again. This is not selfish on their part, it is emotional survival.
Also, keep in mind that they have most likely had professional counselors who have helped them learn how to set up clear boundaries, which is always difficult for someone who has experienced abuse. Don't rush to judgment, but instead, give them time and patience. Most abuse victims have taken great measures to rid their life of toxic relationships and are not going to jump back into a relationship with potentially toxic people. Every move an abuse victim makes is cautious either by trial and error or with help of a professional and if they have lost their trust in you the trust needs to be earned back, not expected or demanded.
If you receive a response from the abused, work into the situation gradually, and don't be surprised if they vocalize the pain you caused them. Often times the abuse victim needs to fully express the feelings surrounding the events in order to move on. Think of the conflict similarly to one of a child and a parent and how the parent at times just needs to listen and be humble. If you are sincere about changing the relationship you will be able to handle this initial confrontation without defensiveness.
Don't ignore the topic of abuse as this gives the impression that you really don't care about what happened. Never express an opinion about how you think the circumstances surrounding the abuse should have been handled. The abuse victim has already gone over and over the events in their own mind, probably much more thoroughly than yourself. Keep in mind that you moved on with your life and the abuse victim was left to pick up the pieces. Also remember that your response to the allegations could have provoked what you feel was the wrong reaction by the abuse victim. Abuse victims handle trauma of any kind in all different ways, so be humble about it and let the blame fall with you.
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a victim say, "I wouldn't even let my kids at my sister's house during this time and she still hates me for it," or "I didn't even tell my grandmother who raised me and loved me unconditionally because I wanted to spare her the emotional pain. But in the end, she felt betrayed, etc. And these statements typically end with, "I didn't know what to do. During that time of my life, it was all about survival." Most often professionals have weighed in on the situation and have given direction so don't judge too quickly. The abuse victim did what they had to do in a very difficult situation that even rational, well-reasoned people who've never experienced abuse have a hard time sorting out.
In the end, abuse situations are messy. It would be nice if we could all follow a three-step manual, but each situation is different and it's just not that easy. Ultimately, you were not the abused, so you have no right to cast a judgment on the situation. When everything is all said and done, if you are still confused about how to resolve the relationship seek help from a professional abuse counselor.
And be assured that even if all of your efforts fail, you can rest your head at night knowing you did your best and that's what counts.
When I came forward about my memories of abuse, my abuser came to the meeting where the issue was being addressed armed with information he had gathered off the internet about "false memories." Once I became a friend of Alison Arngrim and she told me about the "ins" and "outs" of his documentation I was furious. What my abuser didn't realize is the information he had brought to the meeting was from a foundation that has been known in the sexual assault arena as "bogus." The foundation called, False Memory Syndrome Foundation was started by a man and woman who decided to go after their daughter after she came forward about her own abuse in the home. Almost all the information you will find on the web about "false memories" stems back to this organization and accused abusers who start websites in hopes of it catching on as a "rampant" problem needing to be addressed. In my opinion, this is nothing more than a band of brothers who have taken the next step in attacking their victims. Amazing.